SOME of you may know why I haven’t been posting any holiday or NYE greetings or anything for the last month or so. It is because I was in a coma since 20th December.
I had fallen into coma at home already after a 40 hour fever (that I don’t recall to this day) and the ambulance took me in extremely critical situation to the hospital.
As I had seizures they assumed what it could be and just in case put me under 3 different antibiotics and all kinds of drugs, and within an hour they decided to further keep me under induced coma, so that I wouldn’t die immediately, that they would have a few more hours or days to try and see why this is happening and so that the brain basically wouldn’t fry and I wouldn’t become paralyzed, braindead, etc.
After a few days in a coma, with a breathing machine, feeding tube, tons of painkillers, Fentanyl for 24/7, they had found out it was extremely aggressive and fast developing bacterial meningitis.
There were many occasions when my family was warned that I might not make it (and on a few occasions I actually started dying, my heart almost stopped, but was brought back) - or if I would come out alive, then there can be serious side-effects of the illness and coma - being deaf, blind, completely paralyzed, I could be a totally different person, a complete change in my behaviour, neurological, psychological illnesses, total or partial amnesia, and so on and the probability of me being absolutely helpless with a permanent disability.
Well, I came out of coma after a week - alive, for the first 3 days not being able to speak, or see even though my eyes were open, when I now think back, that was the time I dreamt of horrible visions which I thought were real (maybe it’s all the drugs plus constant flow of Fentanyl to my veins for 7 days)… And when I did start speaking very little, the neurologists were especially concerned that I was absolutely clueless of the whole situation- not knowing what city I live in, thinking I was 25, not knowing the year, the month..some nurses wishing me happy holidays..I thought maybe they meant Easter. I didn’t know anyone around me, that I was a musician, that I sing (I had a pretty clear idea that my wife was singing the Mad World cover, the only song I remembered), that I had an album almost ready for release, videos ready, etc, etc (well that stuff and all my work will need to be on hold for a while).
I continued to see very bizarre illusions, dreams and was terrified to sleep, I am still pretty sure I actually saw another patient in a bed opposite to me, a man, being castrated and turning into a fish at the intensive care unit, his arms and legs falling off, the nurses trying to contain it, so many weird things I’ll talk about some other time…It was like hell down there. When my body started getting better and I wasn’t as critical anymore, could breath without the tubes, I was finally moved from the intensive care to the intensive care in neurology department. I was really happy to get away from this nightmare of a first floor that I can only describe as hell… until I realized that I was so weak that I could not hold a spoon nor walk.
So I spent the holidays in a coma and the new year learning to walk again. With a walker. Drinking a sip of water took so much energy it left me breathless. I continued having horrific dreams and still find it difficult to sleep. But things started coming back to me. My wife came to see me every day and helped a lot. She brought me books, magazines and music to listen to and told me about what's what, filling the gaps in my memory, bringing our 2-year old son to visit me who's also been through a lot in the past month...
I've now been home for a few days and I'm recovering. I can already walk without aid. I still get exhausted really quickly so I avoid social media and especially phonecalls, sometimes I find it difficult to express myself - the words don't come to me - and I get frustrated. There’s a lot of side-effects (a LOT), and I will need to live a bit differently, and since my liver started failing already after two weeks in hospital because of the amount of drugs pumped through me, I can’t drink for at least 6-8 months, and so on.
But I believe all will be ok and I'll be fully charged in a few months with a somewhat different view of my life. I thank everyone who knew about it for the support and good wishes, and those who didn’t for the understanding.
Ironically…my new album’s title is All Goes Black. Well, now I know exactly how it feels. :)
Thank you ITK (Ida-Tallinna Keskhaigla) Hospital for saving my life (for the second time already).